One day after President Bush left office, Texas realized that its claim on being the preeminent source of “teh stupid” for America was in jeopardy. Luckily they had a plan to make sure that anytime people the world over thought of Texas they would naturally think of inbred religious dullards like their favorite native son* George Bush.
Today it was reported in the NY Times that the Texas State Board of Education, with the strong support of Republican Governor Rick Perry, is once again debating the relative merits of evolution versus the Biblical version of creation. Textbook publishers are being forced by the board to include phrases that sow artificial doubt about the scientific validity of evolution and implicitly lend support for the Biblical version of creation.
You just know that when the Texas chairman of the board of education is a dentist who thinks that the Earth is only a few thousand years old that Texas has a pretty strong chance of retaining the title.
Scientific obfuscation and Biblical nonsense expert Stephen C. Meyer of the Discovery Institute disingenuously ignores the 150 years worth of accumulative corroborating evidence that has confirmed Evolution and insists that he’s only advocating the promotion of “dissenting opinions”. This blatant lie of course caused God to clap thunder outside as soon as the words were uttered, but Mr. Meyer was too impressed with the scent of his own bullshit to notice.
With perfect timing a mechanical engineer from Houston then stepped up, with his teenage son drooling by his side, and said (and I’m not making this up) “Textbooks today treat [Evolution] as more than a theory, even though its evidence has been found to be stained with half-truths, deception and hoaxes. Darwinian evolution is not a proven fact.”
And with that Texas noticeably relaxed knowing that their reputation was secure and that regardless how the textbook challenge was resolved the world would always view them as the most ignorant fucksticks in America.
* Of course Bush isn’t really from Texas but they’re not letting that inconvenient fact get in the way of a good yarn. If you choose to mention this fact to a Texan please be sure that he is already wearing his helmet.
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The Gospel of Super Jesus 
It’s no surprise, considering it makes perfect sense to inbreds that Noah’s grandchildren would populate the Earth, the Bible makes it explicitly clear that only his family was spared the worldwide flood.
Genisis 9:19 These three were Noah’s sons, and from them, the whole world was repopulated.
From Texas, unfortunately.
Nope, no evolution here:
http://www.livescience.com/animals/090122-climbing-catfish.html
A previously unknown species of climbing catfish has been discovered in remote Venezuela, and its strange traits are shaking the evolutionary tree for these fish.
Damn those evil evolutionary theories and fish that walk. We must conform, Praizzzzzzzze Jesus……I’m moving to Texas. Creation, Bush, big hats and beer……and fish that swim.
Actually, Barbara, you make an excellent point to the invalid nature of Evolution. Darwinian “science” is constantly changing to fit its narrow view of the world into reality. Nothing that is constantly changing can ever be proven science. Gaps in the evolutionary timeline, Piltdown Man, these are all reasons why evolution isn’t science.
Or some such nonsense.
I recently pulled my child out of a Texas public school. There were other issues involved, but this kind of thing was a major factor in my decision to take this drastic step.
We are temporarily homeschooling, and I’ve seized this opportunity to back the science truck up. We’re starting from scratch with a unit that teaches what science is and is not. My son will be better equipped to spot the bullshit when he returns to public school. In another state, of course.
Interestingly, homeschools in Texas are not even required to teach Science. I’m sure you must be shocked.
Anyway, we’ll be pulling up stakes in the next couple of years. The Texas Board of Education, and Texas’ general disdain for science are among the biggest reasons.
Any thoughts as to which states will provide a better education for my child?
Thanks! Good post!
@Lottie: Yours is an interesting and surprisingly tricky question to answer. The National Center for Education Statistics has a handy State comparison tool (http://nces.ed.gov/nationsreportcard/nde/statecomp/) so you can pick and choose the criteria you’re most concerned with. Then there is another study by the EPE I stumbled across that (in the interest of being relevant to the evolution context) looked to evaluate and compare state by state evolution education (http://www.edweek.org/media/epe_evolution1105.pdf).
While there is some consistency across these reports it still begs to all be taken with so many grains of salt. For example, in the EPE report North Dakota was at the very bottom of the list. Dead last. However when I selected the attributes in the NCES tool to show science scores for 2005 North Dakota was … #1. Maybe it’s just another example of the Bush administration twisting the facts to match their own sick neoconservative narrative. I don’t know, but it’s not as simple a question to answer as you and I might think it should be.
I’m not usually a big fan of homeschooling, but in your situation you might be on to something. Good luck.
I heard Vermont and the New England states are high on the education list.
I’ve never been a supporter of homeschooling either. It was actually a safety issue that tipped the scales for us. I’ll spare you the details, but I simply did not believe my son was safe at the school he was attending. I can monitor the curriculum and help fill in the gaps, but I couldn’t continue sending my child to a place where we both feared, on a daily basis, that he wouldn’t make it out in one piece.
Thanks for all the information. And thank you as well, Chris. (I typed “Christ” there at first. Ha!)
Oh, and we could be pulling up stakes sooner than planned. I was laid off today.
My bible says that the Earth is flat and has 4 corners.Will they also be teaching this in Texas.
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You are stupid fuck…
I think you meant to say “You are a stupid fuck”, but I think you almost have the hang of it. Let me guess, you haven’t always lived in Abingdon Virginia and you were originally raised in Texas?
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