Movie Review: The Holiday

It was our one year anniversary and I decided to offer romantic gifts. Since I’m not one for the typical romantic comedy there was one gift that was a standout…a DVD of “The Holiday“.  We watched the movie, but looking at the other reviews we were apparently less impressed than the typical Amazon customer. Today Amazon dropped me a note asking for a review of my purchases and I couldn’t help but want to leave one for this “lovable love story with all the Christmas trimmings”. Below is that review.

Imagine Ten Year Old Moldy Fruitcake…And You’re Almost There

I deserve a medal because I watched it all. After a terrible beginning that only set up my complete lack of concern for the main characters I couldn’t help but finish it just to satisfy my compulsive rubbernecking at such an appalling train wreck of cinema.

The only interesting thing Cameron Diaz has ever done on film was to smear ejaculate in her hair, so it comes as no surprise that this film only serves to further confirm that she cannot act to save her pouting excuse for a life.

Jack Black on the other hand serves as the nexus of insult and injury for this celluloid tragedy. Given his past offbeat brilliance in delivering movie stealing performances in other films it’s difficult to imagine dialog so flat and lifeless that he cannot wring one crumb of comic pungency from it. This unfortunately even rendered the over the top Black crippled under such hapless writing and directing.

Kate Winslet was apparently also in the movie (the box tells me so) but her performance was so transparent as to render her lost into the corner of my memory vacuum that is usually reserved for things like VCR user manuals and anniversary dates. I’m sure she could have been great but I can’t quite recall.

Then there is Jude Law, the one shining star in this galaxy of craptasticness. His performance was sufferable given the unspeakable playscript he was handed. Alas it was his tremendous good looks that saved me from wanting a full refund for the 136 minutes of my life wasted because my girlfriend was so effectively turned on just staring at his hotness (while ignoring the inane dialog he was forced to deliver) that the sex afterwards was even more spectacular than usual.

Hence, “The Holiday” musters one star instead of none.