What Would Republican Jesus Do?

5 10 2009

I can’t help but wonder what Jesus would think if he floated down from his cloud and saw the ideas right wing conservatives have been championing as “Christian” these past ten years.  Let’s take a look at a few of these “Christian” ideals.

  • They are against closing a detention facility where we jail scores of people without charge, without a fair process of establishing guilt or innocence, and without the possibility of justice or release.
  • They are for torturing people for intelligence even though it goes against the Geneva Conventions, our “morals”, and that it produces completely unreliable intelligence
  • They are against a democratic government health care plan that would benefit all of its citizens and not just the wealthy.
  • They are for the private insurance industry garnering billions in profits at the expense of countless American lives every year.
  • They are for gays fighting and dying for our country so long as they keep quiet about being gay and instead lie and pretend to be straight.
  • They are against loving gay couples having the right to be married because, um, I guess that would somehow destroy all Republican marriages?
  • They are for promoting the weaponizing of America and advocating our right to bear arms to the extent they encourage carrying guns and assault weapons to church and political rallies.
  • They are against detailed fact based sexual education for children in schools
  • They are for keeping our children ignorant and instead teaching abstinence only even though it has been proven to be completely ineffective and even counterproductive (counterreproductive?).
  • They are against a woman having full control and responsibility of her body and her own sexual reproduction.
  • They are for vilifying, terrorizing, and even killing doctors who help women who seek specific kinds of legal medical care.
  • They are for prayer and God in school but only if it is Christian prayer and the god is the Lord Jesus Christ.  Any other religion (or none) would constitute blasphemy.

Okay, I suppose Jesus would think that last one is alright since He wasn’t much of a constitutional scholar and wouldn’t understand how illegal such a prayer mandate would be.  Aside from that one point I like to think that Jesus would be a little mortified that his name is so closely associated with a group promoting such bigoted, ignorant, and homicidal ideals.

Of course I’m talking about that leftist socialist hippie Jesus here.  His Dad is a lot more in line with the knuckle dragging branch of the Republican party.
Rape Deuteronomy22-28

Then again “loving and forgiving” Jesus did have quite the mean streak as well.

Other Religions Luke19-27

So much for love thy neighbor.  Meh…maybe the Republicans are right after all.

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24 responses

6 10 2009
Barbara

this is good…

27 04 2011
Jeff Korhorn

Good point. Jesus is kind and patient with us. However, in today’s culture most people hide the holiness of God that is taught in the Scriptures. There is a time coming when His patience will run out.
In our culture we are taught to tolerate. But God does not tolerate wickedness, because He is holy & will deal with it. That being said, Remember Luke 15. While Jesus was here he was called a drunk, a friend of sinners. Why was he called that?

27 04 2011
Jeff Korhorn

The Deuteronomy passage is being severely misinterpreted by the artist. He/she is neglecting culture & therefore the point of the whole passage.

28 04 2011
Super Jesus

Ah yes, it’s the word of God when it says something you agree with, but when presented with an absurd or horrific passage everyone has to take it in context or treat it as a metaphor.

How about 1 Corinthians 14:34-36?

“Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.”

I’m not sure how any context could make this a good thing.

2 02 2012
luke

the word to speak there means …peacable unlike many loud women today…..remember paul was not english……speak not loud but peacable see 1 cor 11

2 02 2012
luke

obviously this site has context disorder and can be cured with a knowlegable pastor trainn\ed in the filed of greek and hebrew…..imagine going to hell cause you thought paulm\, moses wrote the bible in english….sad web site……..

2 02 2012
SuperJesus

Riiiiight. So if the Bible doesn’t say what you want you decide to re-translate it to mean what you want? You’re deluding yourself.

There are hundreds of different translations of the Bible out there, so which one should we use or are they all flawed compared to your superior interpretation skills? Why don’t you add your version to the others since you apparently know what God really meant to say. Better yet, maybe you think we should all learn Greek and Hebrew so we can each come up with our own translations so it can always say what we wish it said!

Look, if one cannot trust any given English translation of the Bible to be entirely accurate then why should anyone give any credibility to anything stated therein since there is a good chance a critical word has been mistranslated?

Come on, think this one through for yourself. If God is so omniscient and omnipotent AND if what’s in the Bible is so critical to our very salvation God should have seen this problem coming. He should at least pop down to give us a cleaned up version of His word (in every language) once and for all. Seriously, He shouldn’t leave something as important as this to men who make mistakes and can only to speculate on the translation of ancient scrolls. Since He hasn’t bothered I can only assume the Bible isn’t really all that that important OR God was made up by ancient illiterate superstitious nomads in the desert. Either of these explanations makes much more sense than what you’re suggesting.

20 09 2017
HarryS

You’ll think so, feminist slut, after you’ve had a few dozen diseased Muslim dicks jammed in your filthy twat and bunghole, and your girly parts hacked off with a dull knife.

19 10 2009
cori

While I can agree with the overall sentiment of the post, the image of Deuteronomy 28 is completely false. Deuteronomy 28:25-27 speaks of rape and likens it to murder. Therefore the punishment is to kill the rapist, but do no harm to the woman because she has committed no sin.

Verses 28-29 speak of a “single lady” having sex with another “single guy.” If they are caught, they are to be married. It is not adultery because neither of them are engaged or married. The simple solution to their impurity is to have them marry one another.

19 10 2009
SuperJesus

Deuteronomy 28 says none of the things you mention…but Deuteronomy 22 might. I’ll put the KJV quotes below for your ease of reference, but let’s paraphrase a little to make it readable.

verses 20-21: If your wife isn’t a virgin when you marry her, stone her to death.

verse 22: if a married woman has sex with another man, kill them both

verses 23-24: if a betrothed virgin has sex with another man in a city, kill them both because she obviously didn’t yell loudly enough to protest the assault.

verses 25-27: if betrothed damsel has sex with another man in the field then only kill the man (because we can’t prove she screamed, right?)

verses 28-29: however, if a man has sex with (or conceivably rapes) an unclaimed virgin he need only give her father fifty shekels and marry her…which is a good deal for her because her alternative is found in verses 20-21.

Selectively read your Bible much?


(King James Version) Deuteronomy 22:

20 But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel:

21 Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father’s house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father’s house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you.

22 If a man be found lying with a woman married to an husband, then they shall both of them die, both the man that lay with the woman, and the woman: so shalt thou put away evil from Israel.

23 If a damsel that is a virgin be betrothed unto an husband, and a man find her in the city, and lie with her;

24 Then ye shall bring them both out unto the gate of that city, and ye shall stone them with stones that they die; the damsel, because she cried not, being in the city; and the man, because he hath humbled his neighbour’s wife: so thou shalt put away evil from among you.

25 But if a man find a betrothed damsel in the field, and the man force her, and lie with her: then the man only that lay with her shall die.

26 But unto the damsel thou shalt do nothing; there is in the damsel no sin worthy of death: for as when a man riseth against his neighbour, and slayeth him, even so is this matter:

27 For he found her in the field, and the betrothed damsel cried, and there was none to save her.

28 If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found;

29 Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel’s father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.

2 02 2012
luke

amen
remember chum moses wasnt english

20 09 2017
Gerry

As I have elsewhere pointed out, the “marry her and pay her daddy 50 shekels” applies only to never-married girls and women who are not virgins.

20 09 2017
HarryS

As I have elsewhere pointed out, the “marry her and pay her daddy 50 shekels” applies only to never-married girls and women who are not virgins.

1 07 2010
Greg

Yeah… the christian god wasnt much of a genius back then I think, because he missed the fact that the woman who was raped (not verses 28-29) would be stoned as soon as she found a man to marry. not to mention there doesnt seem much of a moral compass in the old testaments version of god, thats why they had to renew him as a loving and caring god in the new testament.

20 09 2017
HarryS

If a girl or woman was not a virgin (obvious if she was a widow) she or her father had better let any suitor (buyer) know! Then he couldn’t get away with “I found her not a virgin” bullshit since he couldn’t “find” her not virginal.
Men wanted virgins fir several reasons:
#1: VD (the old name for STDs) – there were plenty of them going around even back then
#2: No other guy’s sticky stuff in her twat
#3: Pussy tight, not stretched out by other dicks bigger than his
#4: 1st brat not put in her by some other asshole

27 07 2010
margot

We are perfect like God and his Son Jesus!!!
Matth.5:20,21,39,43,44,45!!! Deut.7:1,3,16.22., Matth.5:13,14.
Ex.22:17., Ex.32:26-29., Num.31:15,17,18., Matth.5:48., John10:30., John16:4-5.

1 08 2010
Super Jesus

Your list of citations adds nothing to the conversation.

27 04 2011
Jeff Korhorn

lol. That was too funny.

2 11 2012
Cathy Brennan

Luke 19:27 is part of a parable. The words in the passage belong to the King in the parable, and are not meant as instructions for Jesus’ followers.

2 11 2012
SuperJesus

Yep, the parable of the Ten Servants, where Jesus tries to correct the impression that the Kingdom of God would begin right away. He’s using it as a metaphor about how those who use what they are given will get more and how those who do nothing will have everything taken. I guess this is the period when Jesus joined the Tea Party.

10 02 2016
A.

out of context, anything is possible.

22 06 2016
SuperJesus

I’m open to being corrected. What would you add to fix these misperceptions?

12 12 2016
Max Benser

JESUS CHRIST? THE MOST CRIMINAL DOGMA IN CHRISTIANSTORY!!!

20 09 2017
HarryS

Try Mo’-ham-id??
Not just one town’s virgins to rape, but all “infidel” women (that incldes YOU, feminist sluts). Muzzy women caught not wearing a chador or out of her owner’s house unescorted by an adult male relative. In some Muzzy shitholes, women whose tits won’t wobble when they shake them (bra = un-Islamic).
Do you know that that Muzzy boys are taught this shit by their mothers grandmothers aunts?

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