How To Talk To A Heathen

11 02 2009

I am so blessed to be on the email list of the Christian Anti-Defamation Commission (aka D.I.L.D.O.S. – and no I still have no idea why they insist on that particular acronym). These are the same blessed Godlike loving souls who warned that children should not be allowed to watch the inaugural parade because there was a gay marching band participating that is “known for its vulgarity and lewd acts in public” and whose men apparently routinely flash their genitals and perform public sex acts.

I must confess I watched the parade with some anticipation of the massive man junk to be on display and was frankly disappointed. I only saw seven semi-erect man soldiers and fewer than three marching dark cave spelunkerings in the parade. Not a bad showing mind you but clearly they didn’t get the D.I.L.D.O.S. memo which, I think, had set the bar pretty high.

Now these D.I.L.D.O.S. are helping the faithful learn how to talk to God hating heathen blasphemers. Here are a few choice passages from the 20 page tome. I might comment here and there from the perspective of the believer reading this to provide clarity. Oh no, I don’t mind at all. Anything for you.

Unbelievers do not believe simply because they are not willing to humble themselves and submit to God’s will. Clever and subtle arguments may be employed by your friends, but their intellect is not the real problem.

Yeah, those damn clever intellectuals always asking “questions” and looking for “evidence”. How can I get them to just humble their busy little minds and submit to God’s obvious will…like me?

Most people are familiar with the verse that says, “The fool has said in his heart, “There is no God.” This famous verse comes from Psalm 14:1. But the verse does not stop there. The rest of it goes on to describe these fools who deny God. “They are corrupt, They have done abominable works, There is no one who does good.”

Wait, corrupt fools doing abominable works? Are we talking about heathens or the Bush administration?

Sometimes we believe that if God would just dramatically intervene or answer some unbeliever’s prayer that the person will then throw up their hands in surrender to God. This too is simply not the case.

Well yeah that would make it a little easier since He did create the entire universe and everything…and stuff. Couldn’t he throw us something more convincing to work with than an unevenly grilled cheese sandwich to help make the case here? C’mon, help us out just a little here!

Jesus had to rebuke the Jews of his day because they should have believed on him, but did not. Imagine the incredible things they saw happening in Christ’s ministry. The sick were healed, demons were cast out and the dead were raised. A few of the Jews did believe, but most did not. Even though they ought to have believed, no amount of miracles could overcome their willful, unbelieving hearts.

Gee the fucking miracle Velveeta grills didn’t work then either? Who would have thought?

Mankind is very busy pretending that God is not there in spite of all the ways God has revealed himself to them. The whole creation bears witness to God. From the vast universe above to the wonders of our own body, God’s “finger prints” are clearly seen. The unbeliever suppresses that truth.

Finger prints? FINGER PRINTS! How about a few actual signs?! Oh no, we have to get all CSI to prove the most powerful being in the universe exists but leaves no discernible evidence anywhere.

Even though the voice of their own conscience reveals God’s moral law and condemns them, unbelievers drown their conscience in unrighteousness. We also have the inspired revelation of the Holy Bible. Most unbelievers reject the Bible, although they have never even taken the time to understand its message.

Heck, we believers don’t really know what’s in the Bible either, we just let you D.I.L.D.O.S. tell us the good parts. Hello, can you say Pimp Lot handing out the daughters for a little bukkaki party?!  That shit was straight up righteous!

There is a powerful demonic factor. An unseen struggle for the souls of mankind is constantly raging. Satanic veils darken the mind and blind the spiritual sight of the unbeliever.

Now wait, you’re saying Satan is more powerful and more of an interventionist than our all powerful all loving God? Man, I’m totally feeling like I’m getting hung out to dry here.

Watch the evening news. Witness the self-destructive and damning things we do to our own body and soul, not to mention the things we do to each other. It is painfully clear that we are a morally deficient race.

Except for the evangelical leader Ted Haggard. I heard he’s totally been cured of teh Gay.

Yet we see all the kinds of foolish myths and fables that we would rather believe than to admit the existence of the God of the Bible. People would rather put their faith in crystals and pyramids or the empty philosophies of other fallible men than to trust in the true and living God.

Yeah, that shit is just silly. Everyone knows this small representation of a midevel torture device really does have magical powers though.

No one is saved because they were smarter than others.

What about us extra dumb ones?

God can and does intervene directly to save some. He can even knock someone down in a blinding light, like he did with the Apostle Paul. Visions of Christ are reported to be occurring in places where the gospel is opposed. But this is the exception, not the rule. God uses people like you to plant the gospel seed, others to water it, but ultimately God makes it grow.

Strangely God only seems to “reveal” himself to what appear to be money grubbing hypocritical demagogues. For the rest of the human race I guess you get to be saved by us chumps that already gave all our money away.   Sure He can make the universe in a day but he can’t be bothered to get a convincing sign up to sell his own message.  No, he needs me to give up my money so he can still not do it very well.  I give up, I’m going to have a beer with my heathen friends, at least they make some damn sense.


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9 responses

11 02 2009
Personal Failure

Heathens don’t believe because they’re stupid. The believers are the smart ones.

See, didn’t take me 20 pages to come up with what their audience clearly wants to hear.

12 02 2009
SuperJesus

The funny thing about their article was that it never really focused on how to talk to the non-believer but rather how to inoculate yourself from the siren song of their reason and doubt. If the D.I.L.D.O.S. could get you to dismiss all logical arguments before you even heard them then they would consider that a win.

12 02 2009
Chris

The problem is they use the Bible as justification for why the Bible is correct.

12 02 2009
Chris

“Watch the evening news. Witness the self-destructive and damning things we do to our own body and soul, not to mention the things we do to each other. It is painfully clear that we are a morally deficient race.”

How does that jive with the whole “made in god’s image” thing, exactly? I mean, who’s to blame here?

12 02 2009
Paen

If these folks believe that they were made in God’s image does that mean that God is an ignorant bigot?

12 02 2009
SuperJesus

I really need to promote this stuff on Christian sites more often, I’d love to get some feedback from some of the more moderate Xtians out there and see if they think some of these people are as goofy as we do (and how do they deal with the cognitive dissonance that they’re only slightly removed philosophically/theologically from these evangelicals)

13 02 2009
Chris

My wife would be what you consider a moderate Xian. And yes, she does think they are goofy (though she would use more delicate wording).
She, like many other Christians that actually hold up to the name, realize there is no conflict between evolution and god, between science and religion. We have quite a few interesting discussions about religion, god, his role, and we puny animals in the vast soup of the universe. And, of course, the ultimate conclusion we face is, “you just have to have faith.”

I would argue: faith is for people that need something outside their control to blame/rely on.

13 02 2009
SuperJesus

Yeah, unless you think you’re going to convince her otherwise I’d suggest that you stop arguing with your wife. I’m just saying. :)

13 02 2009
Chris

We don’t really argue. At first, she would get really upset because she couldn’t defend her views. 17 years later, she’s fine with how I feel about it, and considers it a challenge to try and “get me to feel god.” (She’s convinced that certain coincidences that have happend in our lives are proof of god)

Meh, I’m not a faith guy. Nor do I need to “give control” to a being that obviously cares little for humans.

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